Saturday, 25 February 2017

My Anxiety.


I've wanted to write this post for such a long time but I'm not sure how to word it, I want it to sound eloquent and perfect but I know it probably won't. I've never written anything this personal before and I don't want this to be to deep or anything but I think this is a really important topic.


So, today I'm going to share my anxiety 'story'. I feel like mental health is such an important topic that needs to be talked about. Even though I do feel like it's becoming less taboo, I still don't think the stigma of mental health is completely broken. 

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I've always been a really nervous person. As a child I was really emotional and I'd get extremely upset about unimportant things. I'd have these hysterical crying fits and I didn't know why. All I knew was that once it started I couldn't stop it. This carried on throughout my whole childhood and even though it obviously bothered me, I never put much thought into it, because that was just me, I was just emotional. 

As I got older and went to high school I started to become really aware of my thoughts. I became super quiet, I talked to my friends, and had no problem doing so, but talking to teachers, people I didn't know or even raising my hand to answer a question was terrifying to me. 

It wasn't until I was 16 that I finally realised I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I came across a video on youtube (of who I can't remember) where someone was explaining their anxiety and I related to it SO much. So I carried on researching it myself and everything just matched up perfectly. 

I spent a while sat on the information that I thought I had anxiety until finally I told my mum. I was so nervous because even though I love my mum, we aren't extremely close and we argued a lot (which often brought on panic attacks). Anyway, I told her and while she didn't understand completely she was so supportive and helped me make the decision to go to the doctors. I can never thank her enough for being there for me.

I made an appointment and told the doctor everything. Honestly, I was so nervous that I didn't stop crying the whole time. She diagnosed me with generalised anxiety and panic disorder that day. She gave me two medications. One that I was supposed to take every day and one to take when I was having a panic attack. To cut the story short I stopped taking the daily tablets pretty soon after that. I didn't like the way they made me feel, like I wasn't quite myself. I still have the other one's though and try to take them when a panic attack starts. I'm not sure if they really work or if it's like a placebo affect, but I take them anyway. 

The past few years kind of blended together in terms of my anxiety. I can't pick out my worse moments because honestly, it was all pretty bad. I was having panic attacks almost daily and my general anxiety was at an all time high. The one thing that I was grateful for was my boyfriend. He was there with me through all of it and he never made me feel bad for it. He just helped me in the best way he could. 

So I dealt with all the panic attacks and gradually it started to improve. I'm 20 now and last September I moved out of home, and out of my hometown, to go to university. Luckily for me my boyfriend was also going to the same university as me because, without him I don't think I could of done it. We got a flat together and even though I was expecting my anxiety to get worse, it actually improved...Don't get me wrong, I'm still extremely anxious. I very rarely go to the shop on my own because for some reason this is something that terrifies me, but the amount of panic attacks I have now has reduced to virtually none. I think I've had about 5 proper panic attacks since September, and saying that makes me unbelievably happy.

Anxiety isn't something you get over in a day. You'll have terrible days, and you'll have great days. I'll probably struggle with it for the rest of my life, but I've accepted that and I'm doing my best not to let it get the better of me. I wrote this post because I thought back to that youtube video I watched and how much it helped me understand what was going on inside my head. Even though this is the scariest thing I've done in a long time, I want to help someone like that. Maybe this post won't at all, but if there's even a chance that it will then it's worth it. I just want people to know that anxiety isn't something you ever need to be ashamed of and you should never feel bad for having it.That goes for all mental health. You are you, and you is perfect.

I'm sorry that this post is so long but I couldn't describe it in a shorter way. I just want to say that if anyone ever needs to talk, about anything not just anxiety, that my twitter is @kirstychronicle. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't talk about their feelings. Thank you for reading this, it means the world to me honestly. 
💖

13 comments :

  1. All the hugs to you, Kristy! I definitely know how you feel. For me, I'm not diagnosed with anxiety but I definitely know that I'm a panicky person and anxious a lot but I'm too scared to tell anyone :( my sister has diagnosed anxiety and I'm afraid that if i tell my parents that I think I have anxiety too they'll think I'm just copying her or something. But I totally understand the being scared to raise your hand in school thing. My heart leaps when a teacher calls on me to answer something.

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    1. It's completely your choice whether you tell people or not and I think you have to come to it in your own time, no one can force you to say anything because it'll just make you even more anxious (that's how I felt anyway)! Of course I don't know your parents but I think if a doctor does diagnose you with anxiety then I don't know how they could say you were copying your sister! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post <3

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  2. It's so brave of you to post this! I can relate to a lot of it, specially the not wanting to raise your hand or being terrified to ask something or going to the shop. I sometimes let my friends do it for me, and when school and the halls and everything suddenly feels too crowed and I can't breathe I try to go to the library. I also get panic attacks when I have any exams or think about school and the future, only the fear I feel of just thinking that I might have a panic attack it's awful and I feel so stupid about it. Thankfully I told my parents and they are trying to get me help.

    The only thing I can say is that you're not alone, and I'm so glad you're getting better. <3

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    1. Thank you! Yeah I let my boyfriend do a lot of that stuff too but I'm trying to do more on my own little by little. I'm the same about the future, I completely freak out when I think about it. I'm so glad you're getting help! Thank you for taking the time to read this <3

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  3. Thanks for sharing your story, it takes a lot of guts to put it out there, even though you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I think a lot of people suffer with anxiety and are afraid to let it be known, there is unfortunately still a stigma sometimes. I'm glad that you're feeling better and having someone who understands and supports is nice too. Great post!

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    1. Thank you, yeah your right a lot of people do suffer with it and never know. Anxiety is just played off as being 'shy' a lot of the time but it's so different to that! Thank you for reading!

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  4. I'm glad you found the courage to share this post. I hope it does help people - even some random person that comes across it. I've always been pretty self-aware about my feelings, and I've always read a lot of books. I think these things helped me realize what was happening to me in high school. I have social anxiety disorder and depression - but the depression came more in college. I'm on daily medicine, but it works for me. I'm glad you were able to find what works best for you and that's great that you're doing better with panic attacks!

    -lauren

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    1. Thank you, I really do as well. I'm glad you you are doing what works best for you as well! Finding a way to deal with it is the hardest part! Thank you so much for reading <3

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. I struggle a lot with anxiety, but I'm not someone who has panic attacks in fact I'm more the kind of person that is just constantly high-strung and my general anxiety about things incapacitates me in subtle ways. I always expect the worst case scenario and often feel paralysed by these thoughts. I don't like the thought of daily medication, but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't make life easier... thank you for sharing!

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    1. I completely understand what you mean. I know people try but I don't know if someone without anxiety can ever really understand what it is like to worry about every little thing. One of my biggest worries is cars, I'm not scared when I'm in a car and someone else is driving, actually it's one of the times I'm most relaxed, but I worry when I'm walking down the road that a car will hit me. It's ridiculous because how often does a car just up and onto the pavement like that but it still terrifies me!

      Medication is really individual, what might not work for one person can work really well for another so sometimes it's just a case of trial and error. It's completely up to you personally if you decided to take daily medication though! Thank you for reading!

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    2. I do that with planes. Planes come down so rarely and still I board a plane I am convinced I won the lottery and this is the one that will crash. I am convinced I am the one in the wrong plane. And it makes flying the most miserable thing. And anxiety is just so crippling. It makes you unable to cope with anything and that's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. Even my partner has trouble understanding what's going on in those moments.

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  6. What a wonderful and brave post <3 While I've never had panic attacks, I know a lot of people who do. It makes me sad that many of them are misunderstood by their own parents and friends. Also I've seen that in many cases people don't recognize anxiety and just see it as introverted/shy behavior. It's wonderful that your boyfriend is helping you with things :)I'm so glad you decided to talk about it and I'm pretty sure this will help many people who come across it! Great post Kristy <33 Lots of love!

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    1. Yeah a lot of people who have anxiety don't really realise it because (especially if you've had it all your life) you kind of just think that's your personality...Thank you for taking the time to read this! <3

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